A Sad Tale From Turin

The U.S. Olympians had the highest of hopes
To conquer the ice, the tracks, and the slopes

But something happened when they got to Torino
Perhaps it was the weather, the town, or the vino?

Whatever it was, a disappointment ensued
Both on the playing fields, and in the mood

They were arrogant, whiny, and acted quite smugly
Leaving locals thinking, “Americanos es ugly”

It started with Bode, a hero he was hailed
Five times he competed, and five times he failed

There’s no shame in losing, as long as long as you try
But Miller seemed listless and lazy, but why?

For someone who ran their mouth like a winner
You’d expect the effort of a saint, not a sinner

Instead he made excuses, out in the cold
As his actions failed his country, and cost him the gold

Then there were the skaters, speedy they were
Destined to become winter legends for sure

Shani Davis conquered the track and the history books
But all he got from his teammates were cold, icy looks

Captain Chad Hendrick wanted five golds to go
And he cried like a baby when Shani said “no”

In the end they both won, but verbal barbs were still tossed
And when it was over, it felt like we lost

Jocobellis had it won, but lost it, alas
When she partied too soon, and fell on her a..

As for the ladies, graceful as a gazelles or a swan
Our hopes were dashed by the groin of a Kwan

Perhaps it was karma, that she lost her shot
Because truth be told, she never earned that spot

In the first round, Sasha’s routine lit up the ice
But she lost the gold falling not once, but twice

The downhill team melted, the curlers slid away
And neither of our hockey teams decided to play

The TV rating sagged, time zones be damned
But even NBC knew we were shammed

Not by Torino or a something unseen
But by athletes who tried to put the "I" into team


These games were a dud, must I remind you again
Wonder if we’ll even show up in 2010?

But all was not lost, in the blustery weather
The snowboarders won gold, and all hung together

Engaging and humble, sadly they were loners
Proving once for all, that we have the best stoners

Reds New Owner Raises Hopes, Fears

Four magic words: “Pitchers and catchers report.” While that may have a different meaning in the porn industry, for most Americans those words signal the beginning of yet another glorious season of baseball.

From spring training in late February to the World Series in mid-October, baseball fans are about to hop on an eight month joyride on the wings of the great American pastime. Unless of course, you root for the Cincinnati Reds.

For Reds fans, the joyride still exists, but it just doesn’t last quite as long. While most fans maintain post-season hopes entering Labor Day weekend, Reds fans are usually wrapping up the competitive part of the season Memorial Day weekend. While most teams are “heating up” for the summer, the Reds are usually in “cool down” mode by June 1st. By fireworks time on the 4th of July, the Reds resemble that sad roman candle that sputters one or two little “bursts” about five feet in the air before completely crashing. And by September, few Reds fans, or players for that matter, even seem to notice that there is still a baseball season going on.

As a lifelong Reds fan, I had come to accept these truths. For years, I fought the notion that the Reds were simply destined for less than mediocrity year after year. I looked for glimmers of hope. Searched for silver linings. Yet each summer arrived with yet another season down the tubes. I had come to accept that my baseball season took place in April and May. I accepted that I needed to make the most of it while it lasted. I accepted that our owner, Carl Lindner, had about as much interest in winning baseball games as I had in watching “Dancing with the Stars”-- which is to say, less than none. The Reds last made the playoffs in 1995. In the ten seasons that followed, only once did they sniff the promised land again (1999) and that surprising season was quickly followed by an implosion that left the team at or near the cellar ever since.

The stages of death: Denial, Anger, Acceptance. I had reached the last stage long ago. And with the arrival of the “acceptance” stage also came a certain peace. I was no longer tortured by baseball season. I knew the Reds weren’t going anywhere, so I was able to soak up the sights, sounds, and smells of the ballpark without wanting to bash my head into the seat in front of me. My baseball season lasted two months. I accepted it. I enjoyed it. The once gaping wound had healed. It had scarred over. It was barely visible. Then along comes Bob Castellini…

Castellini and his partners purchased the team from Lindner and immediately started using words such as “competitive, pride, and winning.” They made a decisive move right off the bat by firing bumbling general manager Dan O’Brien and replacing him with Wayne Krivsky, a well-respected man from a successful front office in Minnesota. Instead of bemoaning their small-market status as an excuse for not improving the roster, the new ownership signed the Reds most dynamic young player, Adam Dunn, to a contract extension. The status quo no longer seems acceptable to Castellini and company.

But why can’t Bob just leave well enough alone? I’d reached the acceptance stage-- how do you go back from that? How do you un-die? Does this man not realize the havoc he may be about the unleash? Reds fans may actually start caring again. We might actually start thinking beyond Memorial Day. We might feel the sting of a blown save in early June, and feel the exhilaration of a walk-off homerun in late August. Hope may be re-born. And with re-born hope comes the possibility of dashed dreams, broken hearts, and maddening summer nights. I thought I’d left all that in the past.

I thought I was going to roll out of bed the first Monday in April and say, “Hey the Reds season starts today, doesn’t it?” But no, not now. Now, Castellini has planted the seed in my mind that perhaps the Reds can "compete" this year and beyond. Now, it’s February 20th and I’m already making mock line-ups, analyzing the bullpen, and wondering what starting pitchers may become available via trade. Now, I’m investing in the Reds again. Investing in a stock that has gone belly up for the past decade. I’ll have no one to blame but myself when my return comes up empty again this year. Actually, I will. I’ll blame Bob. I’ll blame Bob for bringing me back from the peaceful quiet of acceptance stage.

The wound had closed. The scar barely visible. Now, Castellini has come back and re-opened that wound. In one hand, he holds my hopes and dreams of a winning team in Cincinnati. In the other hand, he holds a giant salt-shaker, ominously eyeing my old wound.

NBA Mid-Season Awards and Predictions

With the Grammy Awards fast approaching and the NBA All-Star Game set for this Sunday in Houston, now would seem to be the appropriate time to hand out mid-season NBA awards and gaze into the crystal ball to see who will be hoisting the trophy in June. So, without further ado….

The Shuffling Deck Chairs on the Titanic Award
(presented to the NBA general manager who makes the most moves, without fixing the hole in the boat)

Winner: New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas
The Knicks front office mission statement may read something like this: “Our goal is to acquire as many overrated, undersized, overpaid shooting guards as is humanly possible. We strive to have 12 guys on the team who all play the exact same position-- as long as they hog the ball and can’t the run the point, then we want them. The few post players we try to get need to be very soft, afraid to rebound or play defense. In pursuit of this goal, we will also attempt to take on as many bad contracts as possible, limiting our future, and solidifying the Knicks as a last place team for years to come.”

Mission Accomplished.

The David Caruso Award
(presented to the NBA player or coach most driven by ego so that he would leave a good thing to watch his career go down in flames)

Winner: New York Knicks head coach Larry Brown
Winning the NBA Title in Detroit just wasn’t satisfying enough for Brown. He called coaching for the Knicks his “dream job.” Who knew the guy had dreams about being 15-37 at the all-star break?

The NCAA Football Coaches Poll Voters Award
(presented to the group of people who most openly ignore facts and reason when making a decision)

Winner: The NBA coaches who selected Ray Allen for the All-Star game instead of Hornets rookie Chris Paul. The voters were lazy and made the “easy” choice rather than taking the time to acknowledge that Paul is running away with the Rookie of the Year award while leading the displaced Hornets toward the NBA playoffs.

The Bruce-Willis/Demi Moore Award
(presented to the couple who’s break-up has worked out best for both parties)

Winner: Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash. When Nash left the Mavericks for Phoenix, one had to wonder if he was making a wise career move. The same line of thinking could be applied to Nowitzki, who could have fallen apart minus his set-up man. Instead, both players have blossomed since Nash took over the Suns. Headed into the all-star break, both Phoenix and Dallas sat atop their divisions.

The Menendez Brothers Award
(presented to the siblings who got themselves into the biggest collective jam)

Winner: Stan and Jeff Van Gundy. Stan couldn’t take the Heat in Miami, so he stepped down. Jeff presides over the most disappointing team in the league in Houston, and may soon join his kin on the unemployed coaches list.

The Carrot Top Award
(presented to the NBA player who completely lacks talent, substance, charisma, or any other desirable quality yet still holds down a steady job)

Winner: Celtics back-up Center Michael Olowakandi. The former number one overall pick in the draft is now with his third franchise, languishing on the bench the majority of the time, and embarrassing himself the few times he steps on the hardwood. At least he doesn’t have a suitcase full of sight-gags.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin Award
(presented to the defensive player who does the best job of keeping his opponent from scoring)

Winner: Kobe Bryant, Lakers. Kobe may have dropped 81 on the Raptors earlier this year, but just as impressive has been his emergence as the game’s best on-ball defender. He has worked tirelessly to improve his defense and can now be mentioned in the same breath with Michael Jordan when it comes to the defensive end of the floor. He never takes a night off, but the man he’s guarding usually has an off night.

The Woopsy-Daisy Award
(presented to the group who made the biggest error in judgment)

Winner: Marketing department for the Oklahoma City Hornets. After forward Chris “The Birdman” Anderson was suspended from the NBA for a minimum of two years for violating the league drug policy, Oklahoma City motorists could still see his face on a huge interstate billboard that read: “Feel the Buzz.”

The Kevin Federline Award
(presented to the player who most effectively rides the coat tails of his partner)

Winner: Shaquille O’Neal. While Shaq eats up a bigger chunk of the spotlight in south Florida, his running mate, guard Dwayne Wade has elevated the team to a potential championship level. For the first time in his career, Shaq is clearly the second fiddle-- the question now is whether or not he can play it.

The “My Name is Earl” Award
(presented to the most overrated player in the NBA)

Winner: Kevin Garnett of the Timberwolves. Garnett deserves every all-star vote he has ever received. He deserves credit as a hard-worker, top role model, and face of a franchise that was languishing before he arrived. But you simply can’t be a superstar in the NBA if you can’t score at will. Garnett consistently stuffs the stat sheet better than anyone in the NBA, but the fact remains that he isn’t capable of taking over the game on the offensive side of the floor at any given moment: a must for NBA superstars.

The Manu Ginobli Award)
(presented to the most underrated player in the NBA)

Winner: Ginobli is finally getting the credit he has earned, so he comes off the list and goes instead to the name on the trophy. This year’s winner is Wizards forward Antawn Jamison. Gilbert Arenas is the all-star in Washington, but Jamison is the renaissance man. He can score inside or out, rebound, defend, and do it all the while deflecting the attention to Arenas. He is as much as part of the Wizards climb to consistent playoff contention as anyone.

The Antonio Alfonseca Award
(presented to the best sixth man in the NBA-- only serious sports fan will get this one)

Winner: Speedy Claxton of the Hornets. His name says it all. Claxton is a non-stop motor who combines with Chris Paul to form an annoying, if not lethal, backcourt combo.

The O.J. Simpson Jury Award
(presented to the 12 most clueless people in the NBA)

Winner: The Portland Trailblazers. A franchise in disarray has turned to a hastily-formed mixture of young players who should either still be in college or out of the league altogether. The result has been a series of embarrassing 30-plus point losses and the worst record in the west.

The MVP Award
(sorry, I ran out of gimmicks)

Winner: Nowitzki. Serious doubt still lingers as to whether or not Dirk can lead his team past Tim Duncan and the Spurs, much less all the way to the NBA Title. But through the first 50 games of the season no player has done more for his team than the big man from Germany. Kobe has been nearly flawless, Lebron James has been jaw-dropping, and Dwayne Wade has been magnificent. But no player has been all those things while also leading his team to the second best record in the NBA as has Nowitzki.

The Stupid Writer Award
(presented to the stupidest writer)

Winner: Me. I give myself the award for not mentioning any player or coach on the Detroit Pistons despite their 41-9 record at the break. They won the NBA Title two years ago, came three minutes away from winning it again last year, and threatened the 70 win mark for much of the first half of the season. They have four all-stars and play the best team basketball anyone has seen in years. And I didn’t award them squat.

Looking ahead: A few Fearless Predictions for the second half of the season

The Mavericks will outlast the Spurs to earn the number one seed in the west, but San Antonio will beat Dallas in the second round of the playoffs

If Amare Stoudemire returns in time for the post-season, the Suns will win the west. If not, the Spurs repeat

Lebron James will take charge in the second half and win the MVP award. He will then lead the Cavs to the second round of the playoffs and a near upset of the Pistons-- but Detroit will oust them in seven games

Oklahoma City and Denver will play a very entertaining first round playoff series

The Knicks nightmare season won’t get any better

Miami and Detroit will meet in the East Finals once again-- with the same outcome; Pistons in seven

A coach other than Gregg Popovich will win the Coach of the Year Award, once again denying the Spurs coach his rightful place as the best in the game

The Washington Wizards will surprise everyone and beat out Milwaukee and Indiana for the 5th seed in the east

Whether it’s San Antonio or Phoenix, Detroit will use home court advantage to win the NBA Title

And finally……None of the above will happen (see the stupidest writer award)

Why Aren't YOU in Torino?

The 2006 Winter Olympics kick off from Turin (or is it Torino?) this evening with all the pomp and circumstance that NBC can deliver. There will be ceremonies, parades, and feature stories to last a lifetime. But what about the games? Not many people really understand many of the sports that take place during the Winter Olympics. So, in an effort to make Olympic viewing more pleasurable for the sports novice, I have researched the origins of many of the sports. What follows is a blow by blow description of how the games came to be, and it will hopefully provide some insight for all viewers.

2 Man Luge (conversation from Lake Placid, New York, 1971):

Bob: Hey Joe, you know how we’ve been trying to come up with a new sport?

Joe: Yes, Bob, of course.

Bob: Well Joe, I think I’ve got it!

Joe: Really? Please, do tell…

Bob: OK, here’s how it works: I put on an extra tight, form fitting spandex suit that leaves little to the imagination. Then, I go outside into sub-zero temperatures and lie down flat and stiff as a board on a modified ice rocket. Then, you put on the same form fitting spandex suit and lie down on top of me with your back nestled snuggly into my crotch. We then gyrate back and forth
until the ice rocket begins to speed down the ultra-thick and steep track. We then hope that we reach then finish line in one piece and one tenth of a second before the next team. What do you think?

Joe: What do I think? I think it’s time for me to buy a spandex suit! But can I be on bottom first?

Curling (Ontario, Canada 1945)

Jack: You know Jill, hockey is simply too rough for me. It may be our national pastime, but I can’t take the beating anymore.

Jill: I am SO relieved you said that. I’ve been hoping for years that you would give up the game. But Jack, how on earth will you ever fill that competitive void?

Jack: Well dear, I’ve been thinking about that. Hockey is too rough, and shuffleboard is simply too fast.

Jill: Exactly! Following that shuffle puck is too difficult. I never know what’s going on.

Jack: So sweetie, what we need is a game that can still be played on ice without any rough stuff, but a game that can dial-down the frenzy of a typical shuffleboard match. And I think I have just the answer! Remember that one time when the leaves blew into the house and we had such a good time sweeping them up with our brooms?

Jill: How could I forget?

Jack: Well just imagine if we had those brooms sweeping wildly, except we did it on ice, all the while pushing a puck FIFTY times bigger than those pesky hockey or shuffle pucks!

Jill: And no person or object would ever exceed .0000578 Miles Per Hour?

Jack: NEVER!

Jill: Oh Jack, I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

Biathlon (Somewhere in Vermont, 1919)

Max: There’s nothing like a good cross country skiing outing to get the morning started…

Tom: Yes, Max, but lately I’ve been feeling as if our morning jaunts are just too mundane.

Max: Whatever do you mean?

Tom: What I mean is that while skiing cross country is invigorating beyond all description, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could somehow spice it up?

Max: Spice up cross country skiing? Ha, fat chance.

Tom: Well, Max, I think I know what this sport needs?

Max: Go ahead….

Tom: Firearms!

Max: Tell me more!

Tom: We can slosh along as we always do, but every now and then we can stop and shoot rifles. Whoever hit’s the most targets and gets home fastest, is the winner!

Max: What if we miss?

Tom: Well, then I’d hate to the poor chap just off to the side of the target!

Max: Ha, brilliant as always my friend!

Tom: Well, what are you waiting for. Let’s lock and load and go for the Gold!!!

Snowboarding (Colorado Springs 1979)

Mike: Dude, what are you doing here so early?

Zak: Bro, I got kicked out of baseball practice.

Mike: Dude, Why?

Zak: Bro, I was smoking a joint in right field and coach was NOT stoked!

Mike: Dude, not cool. What are you gonna do now?

Zak: Bro, I need to find a sport where we can smoke weed AND compete at the same time.

Mike: Dude, remember when we got lit and slid down the hill behind your house on those cardboard boxes?

Zak: Bro, that rocked!

Mike: Dude, I know. How about that?

Zak: Bro, you’re like SO right. Boards and snow. No coaches, no rules. Gnarly.

Mike: Dude.

Hopefully, this guide will add to your viewing pleasure over the next two weeks. And remember, just because you stink at sports doesn’t mean you can’t be an Olympian: Just make one up, and someday you may find Bob Costas waxing poetic about you.

A Soft Touch Brings a Steel Title

If it's true that nice guys finish last, then Matt Hasslebeck must be Mother Teresa in cleats. Shaun Alexander must be Mr. Rogers in shoulder pads. That would be the only way to explain how the 2005 Pittsburgh Steelers came out on top. While I am sure the Seattle Seahawks can boast of a team filled with quality people, no team in the NFL can boast the kind of personality that Pittsburgh displayed during their run to Super Bowl XL. It took over 25 years, but the Steelers finally made it back to the top of the NFL mountain, in no small part due to some key cogs that are easy to root for both on and off the field:

The Kid

Michael Vick turns more heads. Peyton Manning sets more records. Eli Manning makes more money. But none of them can touch Ben Roethlisberger when it comes to wins. In just two years, Big Ben has amassed a ridiculous winning percentage and hoisted the Lombardi Trophy. True, his effort on Super Bowl Sunday was far from flawless. As a matter of fact, his passing statistics were well below average for a Super Bowl winning quarterback. However, during the Steelers late season run, and most notably during their three road playoff victories, Roethlisberger loaded his team on his back and carried them to the Super Bowl. Part of the reason he goes unnoticed most of the time is because that seems to be just the way he wants it. Unselfish and humble, he consistently deflected the praise to his veteran teammates. But anyone with any sense of how you build a champion in the NFL understands that Big Ben was the missing piece the Steelers had been searching for during their "oh so close" decade of heartbreaks. Rather than accepting his well deserved praise, Roethlisberger insists on spreading the love to his teammates. Which is why he is a winner, and why we will be seeing him on the biggest stage again.

The Vet

TheJerome Bettis Farewell Tour was covered ad nauseum during the media hype leading to Super Bowl XL. While the coverage was annoying, and Mr. and Mrs. Bettis logged more television airtime than the majority of the players, it doesn't diminish the fact that Bettis ends his career not only among the top five leading rushers of all-time, but he ends his career as one of the truly bright stars of the NFL. You would be hard-pressed to find any person, let alone athlete, as widely respected as "The Bus". His work in the community is well documented and he graciously accepted his role as a back-up player as he began to show his age. Although he lost a step, he further enhanced his status in the locker room by publicly supporting starter Willie Parker and the other young players. Rather than turn bitter and spiteful as he slowly lost his status as a player on the field, Bettis embraced his father-figure role. Sports reporters have long applauded Bettis for his candor, good nature, and approachability. Teammates adore him. Opponents respect him. Fans appreciate him. And all along, Bettis acted as if he was the privileged one.

The Star

No one expressed the sentiment surrounding Bettis more sincerely than Wide Receiver Hines Ward. Following their loss in the AFC Championship Game last year to the Patriots, Ward faced the media. With tears streaming down his face, he spoke about the disappointment he felt for his friend. Not knowing whether or not Bettis would return, Ward displayed uncommon emotion about possibly letting his friend leave on a sour note. This past off-season, while many players failed to report for training camp while negotiating a new contract, Ward stayed with his teammates despite being woefully underpaid (relatively speaking). Eventually, he got his contract, and in the process, he solidified his status as a"team first" player. On Sunday Ward became the 5th wide receiver in NFL history to win the MVP award. He became an MVP, but in reality, he had simply come through for a friend.

The Warrior

If Troy Polamalu isn't the best defensive player in the NFL, then he's a close second. To listen to him speak, you'd think he was auditioning to be the host of a children's show. He is beyond soft-spoken, to the point that you have to strain to hear him. When asked what he was most looking forward to about the Super Bowl, he responded, "making memories." Not the response you'd expect from one of the most ferocious hitters in the NFL. His dominant performance against Indianapolis in the divisional playoffs is a big reason the Steelers made it as far as they did. This all coming from a guy who gives the sign of the cross before every play.

The Heart

Bill Cowher is Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is Bill Cowher. If ever a coach epitomized his team and his city more than Cowher, I've yet to see him. Most coaches wear on their players after several years. Most coaches burn out or lose their effectiveness. They either lose the edge in the film room, or they lose the respect of their team. It happens to even the greatest coaches and leaders. Cowher took over as Steelers head coach in 1992, and despite numerous coaching staff and player turnover during that period, Cowher has remained the foundation upon which the franchise is built. More than anything, Cowher understands balance. He understands how to delegate, he understands how to lead, and odd as it may sound, he understands how to love. He loves the game, he loves his city, and he loves his team. In turn, that love comes back to him in the form of fierce loyalty. No coach has more fun on the sidelines than Cowher. After a lifetime in the game, he still seems like a little kid when the Steelers do something well. And yes, he still seems like a little kid when the Steelers do something bad. On Sunday, the Steelers didn't do everything right, but they kept grinding, and eventually Cowher's players made him a champion. But Cowher has always been a winner.

The Soul

Since 1969, the Steelers have had a grand total of TWO head coaches. TWO! Cowher took over for another Pittsburgh legend, Chuck Noll who won four Super Bowl titles in the 1970's. This rock solid stability is all because of the Rooney family. Art Rooney founded the team in 1933, and he or his son have been at the top ever since. Every Steeler inducted into the Hall of Fame had heartfelt things to say about the founder of the team. Terry Bradshaw memorably pointed to the sky during his speech and said of the deceased Rooney, "I love that man." After his death, his son Dan became the torch bearer of class and loyalty not only for the Steelers, but for the entire league. The Rooney's have built a true sports dynasty based on committment and loyalty, all the while staying behind the scenes, behind their employees, and behind their city.

Of course, this article is counter to everything that makes the Steelers the champions that they are. It singles out individuals, which would undoubtedly make the men mentioned above quite uncomfortable. Led by guard Alan Faneca, the Steelers offensive line dominated all season. If Polamalu was the best player on the defense, their leader was linebacker Joey Porter, who earned yet another trip to the Pro Bowl. Kicker Jeff Reed came through in the clutch in the post-season, especially in the AFC Championship game in Denver. The Steelers had talent all over field, contributions made on both sides of the ball and throughout the coaching staff. A team through and through.

Perhaps no city deserves this type of team more than Steel Town. Among the most dedicated and passionate fans in all of sports, Steelers fans can truly call this a team in their own mold. There will be a parade on Tuesday in Pittsburgh; the first since 1979. Everyone in attendance should pause and take and bow because this championship was hard earned and well deserved. Take a bow Pittsburgh, you earned it. All of you.